First Aid for Non-Medically Minded People

Electricution

Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE
POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it
would be going to waste.

Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack
of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human
being). And do try not to be squeamish about it.
Drive the victim to the nearest casualty ward. You can use him/her to
jumpstart the engine as well if need be.

Treating burns and scalds

Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (N.B. If
the victim's entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little
too late for this).

If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE
CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading
around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury.
Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as
an example.

Fractures and broken limbs

Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in
a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the
bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are
going to die. That always puts the wind up them.

Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for
a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the
rest of your job easier.

Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an
abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing
legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc.
It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can
produce. Far better than Play-Doh.

Choking On Food

Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching
them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of
food hit you in the eye, however.

Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill.
Make a mental note to order soup next time.

Cuts And Wounds

Dress the wound, whatever that means.
Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the
victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing.
Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my
little joke.

Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire.
Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.

Objects Stuck In The Eye

Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT.
Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This
usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering
the victim any more before you can get to it.

Concussion

When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the President
is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more
difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Then total up the
victims score and send it to me at this address:
Concussion Quiz, P.O. Box 1302, Göttingen, D-18017,
the highest score wins a mystery prize.

Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a
whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion.
Here's a good one: before the victim comes round, switch off all the
lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout "Thank God! We thought
you might be dead, or blinded or something.

Goood Morning :P

Murphy's Laws of EMS

 

The First Law of EMS:

All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, without regard to the time.
Corollary 1: Fewer accidents would occur if EMS personnel would never eat.
Corollary 2: Always order food "to go".

The Law of Gravity:
Any instrument, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least accessible place possible.

The Rule of Random Syncronicity:
Emergency calls will randomly come in all at once.

The Law of Respiratory Arrest:
All patients who are vomiting and must be intubated will have just completed a large meal of Barbecue and Onions, Garlic Pizza, and Pickled Herring, all of which was washed down with at least three cans of Beer.

The First Rule of Equipment:
Any piece of Life-saving Equipment will never malfunction or fail until: a)You need it to save a life, or b)The salesman leaves.

The Other Rules of Equipment:

Interchangeable parts don't....
Leak proof seals will.....
Self-starters won't......

The Law of Triage:
In any accident, the degree of injury suffered by a patient is inversely proportional to the amount and volume of agonized screaming produced by that patient.

The Gross Injury Law:
Any injury, the sight of which makes you want to puke, should immediately be covered by 4x4's and Kerlix.

The Law of EMS Educators:
Those who can't do, teach.

The Law of EMS Evaluators:
Those who can't do or teach, evaluate.

The Law of Light:
As the seriousness of any given injury increases, the availability of light to examine that injury decreases.

The Law of Space:
The amount of space which is needed to work on a patient varies inversely with the amount of space which is available to work on that patient.

EMS Relativity:
The number of distraught and uncooperative relatives surrounding any given patient varies exponentially with the seriousness of the patient's illness or injury.

The First Rule of Bystanders
Any bystander who offers you help will give you none.

The Second Rule of Bystanders:
Always assume that any Physician found at the scene of an emergency is a Gynecologist, until proven otherwise. (Unless the emergency is obstetrical in nature, then the bystander will be a Dermatologist.)

The Law of Rules:
As soon as an EMS Rule is accepted as absolute, an exception to that Rule will immediately occur.

Bruce's Philosophers Song

Text animation to "Bruce's Philosophers Song" from the Monty Python sketch "Bruces."

Words and music by Eric Idle

Happy Dent Chewing Gum

:P

Daddu Ki Amanat

check this out :P

Eid Miladun Nabi (SAW)

Mubarak

to

Everyone :)

Frequent long-haul flights bad for health: study

NEW YORK: Airplane crew and passengers who frequently fly between several time zones face a number of health problems including disruptions in a woman’s menstrual cycle and even short-term psychiatric disturbances, researchers from the UK warn in a report published on Thursday in The Lancet.There seems to be no getting use to long-haul flights, according to researchers who report that flight crews who regularly take long journeys are not protected from the effects of jet lag such as poor and interrupted sleep, mood changes, irritability, stomach problems, and decreased brain power.Jet lag from crossing several time zones also causes a dip in an athlete’s performance, note Jim Waterhouse and two associates from the Research Institute for Sport and Exercise Sciences at Liverpool John Moores University.Jet lag is worse for older travellers, and its severity increases with the number of time zones crossed. “If the journey crosses fewer than about three time zones, then jet lag is unlikely to be a major difficulty for most people,” the authors write.The direction of travel also matters, Waterhouse and colleagues say, with flights to the east bringing more jet lag than flights to the west.So how long will it last? Jet lag caused by eastbound flights lasts for several days “roughly equal to two-thirds of the number of time zones crossed, and about half the number of time zones crossed for westward flights,” Waterhouse and colleagues report.Currently, there is no cure for jet lag, but there are some things frequent long-haul travellers can do to try to lessen the impact of jet lag upon arrival. For journeys that cross more than three time zones, travellers can help the body clock adjust by deliberately seeking or avoiding sunlight at the new destination, the investigators offer.Trying to maintain alertness during the day at the new destination by exercising and/or drinking caffeinated beverages may also help. The jury is still out on the value of taking the hormone melatonin to curb jet lag, the authors say. Melatonin is secreted during sleep and has been implicated in jet lag, but Waterhouse and colleagues don’t advise using melatonin until more research is conducted.What’s needed, they conclude, is a “more detailed understanding of the molecular changes associated with time zone changes...with a view to developing drugs to promote clock adjustment and further assessments of new sleep-promoting and alertness-promoting drugs.”—Reuters

Advice for Pre-Meds --- A MUST READ!!

Here is a little something for first year students or those wishing to enter. And for the rest

to testifiy :) This was originally published under another name. Hope this helps.

There are a few things I would like to tell you before you start
medical school....and, of course, these are only my opinions and may not
represent the opinions of anyone else in this entire world....so take it with
a grain of salt.

01 - Everyone, including my doctor, told me to get the hell out of medicine
before I got in.
02 - I busted my ass in high school, college, etc...to get to med school.
03 - Once in medical school, what you did to get you there no longer matters.
04 - Be prepared to study....then study somemore, and then a little more...
and then be prepared to not do well on the test.
05 - Be prepared to accept the reality that you may be an idiot (this came
as a shock to me).
06 - Be thankful that everyone else in your class is also an idiot and no
one expects you to know everything all at once, and for every test.
07 - Realize that getting ahead in med school means making lots of
friends ... those who step on toes to get to the top are quickly
shunned by the rest of the class. This is very bad since people
tend to get a hold of old tests, helpful hints, book
recommendations, etc..that will be of great benefit to you. If you
are the smartest person in the class...dont try to show off and be
cocky. There will be plenty of opportunities for people to
undermine you if they decide they dont like your attitude. In
short, have fun, be nice....make sure you are likable to a large
number of people.
08 - No one can go through medical school 8 times, so dont be such a "pal"
that you end up doing extra work (typing a review sheet, for
example) for your friends while they are out having a good time.
09 - For me, the first year was NOT the hardest. This is b/c I was used
to busting my ass to get into medical school that I never slowed
down. For some, it is the "wake up call" if you never studied in
college.
10 - The second year IS the hardest, its survival of the fittest. They
want you to know everything about everything, and some more in
between. People quit after every exam.
11 - Once thru your second year, the rest is cheesecake. You dress like
a doctor, work like a doctor, and hopefully start acting like a
doctor.
12 - Once thru your second year, you realize the first 2 were bullshit and
you know nothing and can't remember the rest.
13 - Its relatively easy to PASS medical school, it requires more
dedication than genius to get a High Pass, and a mixture of both to
Honor.
14 - Remember that P=MD (meaning that if you PASS you will become a
doctor). Also, remember that P is not equal to ENT, SURGERY,
OBGYN, DERMATOLOGY, etc...so basically, everyone who graduates is a
doctor, but not everyone who graduates is the doctor they may want
to be.
15 - In the middle of the second year, they could not pay you enough to
be a doctor.
16 - In the middle of the second year, you cant afford to quit b/c you now
have a huge loan to pay back.
17 - The best years of your life are while you are in medical school.
18 - The worst years of your life are while you are in medical school.
19 - Dating in medical school is close to impossible. If you can find
someone who understands your language, your schedule, your attitude,
your financial situation...marry them first, ask questions later.
20 - Sleeping/eating right become luxuries in medical school.
21 - Noone will ever understand your schedule or what the hell you are
doing (eg why you have to study 2 weeks before a test).
22 - You will have to study 2 weeks for a test.
23 - You will have to learn to budget your time wisely if you want to ever
have a life. Same goes for your money.
24 - Some people go out every night and do exceptionally well in medical
school...if this is you...great. If this is not you...Sorry.
25 - Some people bust their ass every day and fail medical school...hope this
is not you.
26 - The person who finds the best balance between study, social, family,
friends, entertainment will make the best of medical school.
27 - The ass who always aces every test and never studies is everyone in
medical school BUT you.
28 - The fact that you can dissect a rat in college has no bearing on your
performance in medical school.
29 - The fact that your favorite class in college is Biology is unique
b/c the smartest people in medical school today are NOT biology
majors and, in fact, have never taken such a class.
30 - The fact that you have taken such classes will help in the first year,
and give you more time for other things while your classmates are
"learning how to use the microscope".
31 - If a histology class is offered at your school, take it..take it
again...teach it...learn to love it. You can essentially SKIP your
medical school histology class if you know it well enough.
32 - You may have thought that all the BULLSHIT classes you took in high
school/college would come to an end when you got to medical
school ... sorry...they are still there.
33 - You wont believe the amount of information they want you to know.
34 - You wont believe the amount of information you can forget.
35 - Old tests can save your ass...they can also sink you if you just
memorize answers.
36 - You will have to rearrange your life, study habits, friendships
around being a student. No one will understand that you need to
study so much, for so long. I study at least 10 hours a day, every
day. I usually take a day off. Some people dont..thats just me.
I also am not at the top of my class. You have to find your
balance/grade tradeoff/relationship breaker time periods for
studying.
37 - Drugs are bad, dont do drugs. If you need help staying awake, you are
too tired to study..go to sleep.
38 - Your friends, collegues, will do drugs and make A's. Hopefully, life
will weed them out. Until then, be cool and realize that maybe
making C's is your maximum performance level.
39 - Dont neglect friends/family/pets - they are good for fun/meals/etc.
They can also be a drag (Come out with us, you can study tomorrow).
You need to have a long talk with these people if you do get into
medical school.
40 - To the rest of the world, you are not a doctor until you graduate the
4th year. To your family, you are a doctor two weeks before you
start your first year. If ever asked any medical questions, follow
your answer with a disclaimer (....but I would go to your doctor if
you are worried about it because I don't really know). Be careful
what you say, because people are listening.
41 - Never listen to a previous medical students advice on medical school.
They have been run though the meat grinder and couldnt think of
putting anyone else thru such torture. They tend to leave out the
good stuff like parties, good friends, fun memories, their first
patient contact, someone calling you DOC, getting to wear a white
coat, and knowing what the hell is going on during ER.

In summary, if you are not sure you want to be a doctor...be very sure you want
to be a doctor before you come to medical school. That bullshit about "helping
people" will get you nowhere your first 2 years. We are all in medical school
because we want to "help people" but this alone will not get you an MD. You need
to be dedicated to yourself, your studies, your talents, and your life as a whole
just to get thru the first 2 years. Any outside pressures you have will burst
while you are in school so be prepared to handle that before you get here. We
are not special in any way, we are not geniuses, but, we are willing to work
hard...and that, my friend, is what will make you successful in medical school.


Good Luck.

 

 

 

Life in Hypochondria - (c) 1999 by W. Bruce Cameron

Life in Hypochondria

I am one of those people for whom the mention of a disease is the same as a
diagnosis. This is particularly true when those public service messages
come on the radio, listing the 14 signs of edema--invariably, I have all 14
symptoms. Like this:

Public Service Announcer: "Do you have skull apathy? Skull apathy
afflicts one out of ten men who were present during atomic bomb tests and
then later fell into the Love Canal. Listen closely to these symptoms:

"Has there recently been an obvious change in a wart or mole, such as
pulsating colors or bird whistles?"

(Ohmygosh, yes! I have a mole I've been calling Bullwinkle, because that
is sort of who it looks like, and lately he seems to have developed a funny
bend in one of his legs.)

"Do you sometimes believe you can see Al Gore talking without moving his
lips?"

(Yes!)

"Do you think you are like everyone else?"

(Doesn't everybody?)

"Do you have trouble booting Windows 95?"

(Yes!)

"Do flames shoot out of your eyes when you are driving at night?"

(Yes! Well, sort of.)

"Are you troubled by cold sheets, swooping bats, percussion grenades?"

(Yes Yes Yes!)

"Did you cry at the movie Titanic, even though there were other guys in the
theater?"

(Yes! Hey wait, I didn't say that.)

"If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is probably too late to
see a doctor. In fact, you probably lapsed into a coma somewhere after the
third question. Have a nice day."

Just great, now I've got skull apathy and I'm about to go coma. I zoom
home and breathlessly dial my doctor's telephone number, assuring the
receptionist that this is a life and death emergency and yes, I have
insurance.

"This is Doctor Spleensplitter."

"Doctor Spleensplitter! This is Bruce Cameron! Thank God you answered the
phone."

"Oh, I'm... I believe I picked up the wrong line."

"Dr. Spleensplitter, I've got the top ten reasons to have skull apathy,
plus I can feel a coma coming on. You have to help me!"

"Skull apathy?"

"Yes."

"What sort of symptoms are you experiencing, Mr. Cameron?"

"Well, I have this mole shaped like a moose, only lately it looks like it
has developed a limp."

"Well then. Maybe you should see a veterinarian."

"Plus, I sometimes see Al Gore using Windows 95 without moving his lips!"

"Mr. Cameron..."

"I need some of those same pills you gave me last time."

"Mr. Cameron, those were placeboes."

"Yes, that's what I need, more placeboes! Only more powerful ones."

"More powerful placeboes."

"Yes!"

"Mr. Cameron, may I ask you a very important question?"

"Yes, I have insurance."

"No, not that. I was reviewing your file the other day..."

"You were? Why, do you suspect I've got something even more serious than
skull apathy?"

"No, actually, it's because our staff requested a whole new filing cabinet
to put it in, and I wanted to see if there was anything in there we could
throw out. Mr. Cameron, do you realize you've complained of nearly every
malady known to man?"

"I have?"

"Plus some I'd never heard of before. Wake Apnea. Sudden Shower Syndrome.
Reverse Appendicitis. And now this new one..."

"Skull apathy?"

"Precisely. Mr. Cameron, has anyone ever suggested to you that you might
be suffering a bit of hypochondria?"

"Hypochondria? Is it serious? What are the symptoms? Tell me straight,
doc, how much time have I got?"

"No, it isn't serious at all. In fact, a lot of people have it, in some
form or another."

"So I caught it from somebody else?"

"Mr. Cameron, hypochondria is merely a term for people who worry
obsessively that they may have some disease or affliction."

"Well, I am worried! I'm worried I might have hypochondria! Are there any
placeboes that can be used to cure it?"

"You're not understanding me, Mr. Cameron. It isn't a real disease."

"You mean I'm sick with something FAKE?" This opens up a whole new realm
of doom that I hadn't even contemplated before. I swallow, feeling the
first trickle of a whole host of phony symptoms. "What's next, a CAT scan?
An MRI? Should I have my internal organs removed? Doc, I'm too young to
have hypochondria. I was just beginning to live life to the fullest!"
Well, maybe not to the fullest, but I had just purchased fresh batteries
for the TV remote and was looking forward to a night of crisp channel
changes. Now it seems pointless, somehow.

"Mr. Cameron, I'm afraid I'm not making myself clear, here. There's
nothing really wrong with you. You just have a morbid obsession."

He thinks he is fooling me, with his medical jargon, but I know what
morbidity is. From the Greek word "Mortimer," which means death.
Mortician. Post Mortem. Today I mort, yesterday I morted, tomorrow I will
have mortalized. Tomorrow.

"24 hours." I whisper.

"Mr. Cameron?"

"I appreciate you calling me, Doc."

"Well, I didn't call you."

"Whatever. I just... having one more day to at least put my life in order,
maybe catch one last episode of Baywatch..."

"Mr. Cameron."

"Yes?"

He sighs heavily. "I'll call in a prescription for some placeboes right
away. Treated aggressively, you should be well on your way to recovery by
the end of the week."

Good morning... /Afternoon what ever suits you :P (time difference) any ways.... its said that one should start ones day with some laugh... so here are a couple of ticklers...


The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.
"Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.
"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

---------------

"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"

---------------

Ponder This: The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.

--------------


A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor:"It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side)"And when I press here" (pressing the other side)"And here" (his leg)"And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms)
So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong... "You've got a broken finger!


------------

The Ranks of a Hospital

Surgeon:

• Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
• Is more productive than a train
• Is faster than a speeding bullet
• Walks on water
• Talks with God

Internist:

• Leaps short buildings in a single bound
• Is more powerful than a switch engine
• Is faster than a speeding BB
• Walks on water if the sea is calm
• Talks with God if special request is approved

General Practitioner:

• Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
• Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
• Can fire a speeding bullet
• Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
• Is occasionally addressed by God

Resident:

• Barely clears a picket fence
• Loses tug-of-war with a train
• Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
• Swims well
• Talks with animals

Intern:

• Makes high skid marks on a wall when trying to leap buildings
• Is run over by a train
• Is not issued ammunition
• Dog paddles
• Talks to walls

Medical Student:

• Runs into buildings
• Recognizes a train 2 out of 3 times
• Wets himself with a water pistol
• Cannot stay afloat without a life preserver
• Mumbles to himself

Nurse:
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks trains off the track
Catches speeding bullets with her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
The Nurse IS god!!!!