"Disorder in the Court."

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." 
They're things people actually said in court, word for word.

 

    Q:  What is your date of birth?

    A:  July fifteen.

    Q:  What year?

    A:  Every year.

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    Q:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    A:  Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    A: Yes.

    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    A: I forget.

    Q: You forget.  Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

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    Q:  How old is your son, the one living with you?

    A:  Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

    Q:  How long has he lived with you?

    A:  Forty-five years.

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    Q:  What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

    A:  He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

    Q:  And why did that upset you?

    A:  My name is Susan.

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    Q:  And where was the location of the accident?

    A:  Approximately milepost 499.

    Q:  And where is milepost 499?

    A:  Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

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    Q:  Sir, what is your IQ?

    A:  Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

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    Q:  Did you blow your horn or anything?

    A:  After the accident?

    Q:  Before the accident.

    A:  Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

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    Q:  Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

    A:  Yes.

    Q:  Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

    A:  Yes, sir.

    Q:  What did she say?

    A:  What disco am I at?

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    Q:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about
          it until the next morning?

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    Q:  The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

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    Q:  Were you present when your picture was taken?

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    Q:  Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

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    Q:  Did he kill you?

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    Q:  How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

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    Q:  You were there until the time you left, is that true?

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    Q:  How many times have you committed suicide?

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    Q:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    A:  Yes.

    Q:  And what were you doing at that time?

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    Q:  She had three children, right?

    A:  Yes.

    Q:  How many were boys?

    A:  None.

    Q:  Were there any girls?

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    Q:  You say the stairs went down to the basement?

    A:  Yes.

    Q:  And these stairs, did they go up also?

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    Q:  Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

    A:  I went to Europe, Sir.

    Q:  And you took your new wife?

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    Q:  How was your first marriage terminated?

    A:  By death.

    Q:  And by whose death was it terminated?

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    Q:  Can you describe the individual?

    A:  He was about medium height and had a beard.

    Q:  Was this a male, or a female?

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    Q:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
          which I sent to your attorney?

    A:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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    Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    A:  All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

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    Q:  All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?

    A:  Oral.

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    Q:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    A:  The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    Q:  And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

    A:  No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
           autopsy.

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    Q:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

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    Q:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    A:  No.

    Q:  Did you check for blood pressure?

    A:  No.

    Q:  Did you check for breathing?

    A:  No.

    Q:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
          the autopsy?

    A:  No.

    Q:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    A:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    Q:  But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

    A:  It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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    Q:  You were not shot in the fracas?

    A:  No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.